WHY WE FEEL BAD WHEN OUR KIDS ARE AWAY EVEN WHEN WE NEED THE BREAK
My son is with his dad every Saturday and Sunday night. And while I am happy that they get in their much needed bonding time I often get the blues despite needing the break to care of myself.
Do you ever experience this crazy paradox?
The one where you are totally exhausted and in need of a major parenting break so you look forward to your solo time.
You know it is good to fill up your cup - with herbal tea of course- and get some much needed nature, netflix and an uninterrupted soak in the tub.
You hug and kiss your kiddos farewell as they transition to daddy time.
And, then after an hour or so...you want them back.
You NEED them back. All of a sudden you feel empty and lonely.
You go to their room and sit with their stuffed animals.
You also wonder why you aren’t doing all the things you dreamed about when you were in the thick of parenting solo all week (that hour long yoga class hasn’t happened yet).
I know I feel this…every weekend.
SO, WHAT IS UP?!!!! I HAVE THE ANSWER.
You may think “Well, I love my kids. Of course I miss them!”
But that doesn’t actually help you FEEL BETTER.
It just makes you feel powerless.
Are you really doomed to feel so awful when they are gone and so frazzled when they are with you?
When do you get that break you have dreamt of? One that is free of mom guilt and loneliness for your kids?
It is a shame to spend this time in a slightly stressed state.
But it happens. So you jump on google and pinterest for HELP!
That internet search will generate a lot of LISTS of how to distract yourself and make the most of your solo mom time.
You will find advice telling you to “use this time to take care of yourself”. You know that. And, it is true. But it is missing a vital component.
I have been coping with this for 3 years. And, I have something crazy helpful to share with you!
Those lists aren’t all that helpful until you know the true nature of the mammal.
You aren’t just missing your kids because they are your kids.
That feeling you have, the almost panicky-I-need-my-kids-now feeling is because you are a mammal that is wired to stay with your HERD, children included.
Knowing how you work as a mammal and naming what is happening is key to relieving suffering. It is so powerful!
So, why do you even feel this “loneliness”?
As a mammal you release oxytocin (a happiness neurochemical) when you are bonded and connected to your kids (your herd).
When you are separated from them you experience a surge of cortisol, which is designed to make you feel uncomfortable enough to reunite with them.
Cortisol gives the signal to “DO SOMETHING NOW!’ to end the pain. You must then use your cortex to figure out what to do. But the very thing you know would alleviate the surge, being with your kids, can’t happen.
If you were to reunite right then with your kids, you would be rewarded with oxytocin and you would feel calm and happy again. It is biological.
So, now what?
The first step is knowing that you are wired this way because then you can more effectively manage the cortisol surges and the accompanying pain-- that feeling that you just need to be with your kids NOW.
The feeling you are calling loneliness is really your limbic system telling you to reconnect.
And, the limbic system does not care what your cortex thinks. It just pumps out happy or unhappy chemicals to make sure you and your genes survive. You cannot outthink or talk to your limbic system.
But, you can ride out the surge and send a signal to your limbic system that you and your kids are safe.
This is HOW!
Cortisol has a half life of 20 minutes so you need to ride it out so your brain knows that this isn’t a real survival threat.
When your limbic system sounds the alarm
Recognize it for what it is.
Ride through the moment knowing that there is no real threat.
Distract: consciously stimulate happy chemicals - serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin and endorphin.
So, yeah. The distractions do work. The right kind of distractions. The ones that stimulate happy chemicals.
Without this knowledge you may never start to actually feel better.
You may try distractions and feel like a failure because it isn’t working. You still just want to be with your kids! But you were trying the wrong types of distractions.
Try distractions that specifically boost each happy chemical:
Boost Oxytocin (the I feel safe when I am with my herd feeling):
Take a hot bath
Spend time with friends and family
Sleep with your kid’s stuffed animal at night
Boost Dopamine (the I am approaching a reward feeling)
Work on a project
Start a new hobby
Create a wellness plan and start taking action (that is a win-win)
Boost Serotonin (the I feel high enough status to meet my needs feeling)
Celebrate an accomplishment publicly
Improve your skill set
Boost Endorphin (masks pain, you want to stimulate this in healthy ways)
Laugh - time for some netflix comedy
Cry- let it go
Stretch or exercise (not to the point of pain though)- take that hour long yoga class
I hope that you can now take that parenting break and navigate that inevitable feeling with more ease and savvy now.
It takes practice and it takes time to work.
Your limbic system isn’t going to stop sounding the alarm but the volume may start to decrease and the frequency may start to decrease.
Then you can fill that cup up and be so fresh and ready to deeply connect with your kids when they return.
How I used this process over the weekend:
I had a very tough weekend missing my son, so much that I felt depressed. As I was spiraling into darkness I knew that I had to muster the strength to stimulate my happy chemicals. Since I was feeling very depleted I started with a yoga practice to get a little endorphin flowing. Then I took a warm bath which boosts oxytocin (it is like a warm hug) and I validated my feelings and envisioned how I would connect extra deep with my son when I saw him. I talked to a neighbor and felt a surge of more oxytocin. By then I was ready for some laughing (after the tears I shed earlier in the day), so I snuggled up on my couch and watched reruns of Frasier (so good). When I was ready for sleep, I grabbed my son’s “wolfy” stuffed animal and went to sleep feeling soothed and excited for the next day.
Before I truly knew the impact of consciously choosing to boost specific happy chemicals I would find ways to distract myself but understanding why certain behaviors worked better than others eluded me. Now, that I have learned to work with my inner mammal and boost happy chemicals on purpose I feel empowered and I have the tools I need to navigate these tough times in the healthiest way possible. My goal from day one of my separation was to maintain and even to strengthen my own health no matter what stressors I was faced with. Missing my son hurts but I know that I have the power to alleviate the pain and to mitigate the possible stress it could have on my body and mind. And, you have that power too.
I wish you relief and healing along your journey,
Lily